Episode 43/Transcript
Greg: Alright ladies, we have a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it, so we're just gonna start really easy with some drills. Whiny McBitcherface, get up here. Brittnay: You know what, I'm not— Greg: I'm sorry, Whiny McBitcherface, we really don't have time right now for your Whiny McBitching! Now as we all saw, the pillar that you need the most work on is the Art of the Tease. It's not enough to just sleep with every guy, no that's not gonna give you the leverage you need. You need all of them pursuing you at all times and for that, you need one thing—the tease. Brittnay: Please, I can make any guy want me whenever the fuck I want. Greg: Alright then, bring in the volunteer. Than: Ah! What a twist! Bet you guys didn't see this coming, ah, I'm joking, we're gonna have fun. Greg: Alright little miss I-can-make-any guy-want-me, the floor is yours. Brittnay: Wait, this isn't fair! He's gay. Than: Uh, actually, I'm bi now. So to all of you ladies, Than is still open for business. And that includes you too Tracksuit, if you ever want to get your swirl on, you know what I'm saying. Alright, let's do this. Brittnay: Fine. So Than, how about a handjob? Than: Ha, no thanks. Brittnay: Would you like to see my breasts? Than: I would not. Brittnay: This is impossible. Wait a minute, there's got to be a—Hey Than, I just happen to have some tickets to the Palazzo 16 Cinema's Ryan Gosling Marathon— Than: Gos-Con? You got tickets to Gos-Con? They've been sold out for weeks! Brittnay: Mm-hmm. Than: Well, what are we waiting for? If we leave now, we can still catch Remember the Titans. Brittnay: Eh, I don't know if I'm gonna go actually. Than: Oh come on! Brittnay: Nah, it doesn't really sound all that fun. Than: Not that fun? They're gonna have the actual towel from Crazy Stupid Love! Brittnay: Tell you what, why don't you come back in about an hour with some Gatorade for all of us? Than: Yeah, alright, what are you guys thinking, Glacier Freeze, Riptide Rush? You know what? You know what? I'll just get both! Don't worry ladies, this one's on Than today! God, I really hope they play that one episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark he was on. Greg: Well not bad, little bit of a rough start, but you pulled it out in the end. Brittnay: Well, if there's one thing I know, it's how to pull it out in the end. Greg: Alright, well, next we're going to work on the art of the bitch-out. Can I get my next volunteer? Judith: Heeeeyyyy!!! Greg: You, I want you to bitch her out. Trisha 2: Okay! Hi, what's your name? Judith: Uh, Judith. Trisha 2: Oh hi, I'm Trisha! How are you today, Judith? Judith: No get mean! Trisha 2: How are you today, Judith? Judith: Oh goddammit, can somebody get in there and help her? Trisha 2: Huh? Okay! Judith, would you like to go fuck yourself? Judith: Uh, no, not really. Trisha 2: Huh? Okay. I got it. Is it because you're a little bitch? Judith: No. I'm not actually. Trisha 2: Oh right, right right, okay. Because apparently you look like a bitch. Judith: Okay. I—I'm a little confused. Because you seem to be saying some really hurtful things, but your tone is very friendly. Trisha 2: Thank you. Oh, okay. Okay, well then why you don't go eat a bag of Ritz! Judith: Ritz crackers? Well actually, I'm gluten-free, so— Trisha 2: Okay hold on—not Ritz, I didn't mean Ritz... Uh huh, oh, I see. Whoa, they put those in bags? Judith: I'm sorry, are you being mean or nice? Trisha 2: Uh-huh, yeah, oh, okay. One more time? Okay. Mean! Judith: Um, yeah, um, I think I want to go now. Can I just get my check? Trisha 2: Did I win? Greg: Well, I'm not exactly sure if that girl feels bad about herself, but she's certainly confused, so that's a start. Trisha 2: Woohoo! I count that as a win! Greg: Well girls, I can't believe it, but it actually looks like we might have the start of a real cheer squad here. But don't be mistaken, we've just begun. Because your real training starts right now. (A montage begins showing the squad achieving each of the pillars of popularity) Saison: Yes, I don't know how, my bosom just keeps getting bigger and bigger every day. Trisha 2: A roly-poly? Ew! Trisha: Um, well, you are very unattrative today and— (Brittnay brings over Ashley) You're the Iranians and I'm Ben Affleck so Ar—go fuck yourself Ashley Katchadorian! (montage end) Greg: Well ladies, hell must have frozen over, because I'll damned if I'm not looking at the most perfect examples of the five pillars of cheerleading that I've ever seen. You've all learned a lot over the last thirty-seven minutes. Now before I leave you, there's only one thing left that we need to fix. Brittnay: Please say Saison, please say Saison, please say Saison. Greg: The way you look! Mackenzie: What's wrong with the way we look? Greg: Your uniforms look like you made them out of pixy stix and crushed up Rolaids. And why the fuck are they pink? Your school colors are red and white! Brittnay: Because we like pink! Greg: Well then wear it on the weekends, bitch! You girls are a unit that is supposed to represent the ruling class of this school. You all look like a bunch of off-brand dolls that came out of a KMart bargain bin! I mean, did you bitches just glue the word Park directly onto your chest? Mackenzie: Um, yes. Greg: You go to Overland Park! Why the fuck wouldn't you put that on there? Trisha: Well, um, we ran out of room. Greg: So put motherfucking Overland there! Why in God's name would you just write Park? Trisha 2: I'm not even wearing your uniform! Greg: This kind of ratchet bullshit might've passed for the kindergarten cheer camp you were running before, but you're an elite unit now, and you need to look like one. Brittnay: Well, what do you want us to do? Mackenzie: Yeah, it's gonna take forever for us to design new cheer outfits and then convince the school to actually order them. Shay: Actually, Mackenzie that might've been true before when you were in charge, but now that a Van Buren is where she rightfully belongs, things have a way of getting done a lot quicker. Mackenzie: What the fuck does that mean? Shay: I gave Greg my black card, and he took care of everything. Greg: Ladies, say hello to the new you. (Everyone except Trisha 2 gasps) Trisha 2: Oh right. (gasps) Mackenzie: Holy two holed dick tip! (The cheer squad is shown walking down the hall in their new red and white uniforms)